Want My Job?
I was recently asked by some travel magazine to pen a few words about being a hotelier so I came up with this. Apparently the editor had a good chuckle and has now booked to come and stay at with us. I hope you enjoy it.
I am pretty sure that those who are not in the bed and breakfast/hotel business have little idea of what we do all day, or why we work such long hours. I am forever told that being in the south of France I am subjected to harsh glorious sunshine, hours and hours on the beach and a few moments spare to welcome new guests to the building. This is exactly what happened one day last month and which I recorded that evening.
Woke up at 07h00 as eight departing guests are all wanting an early breakfast. Breakfast prepared and laid out. Guests finally come down at the usual time of 09h00 stating they forgot to let me know then proceed to eat everything. Noticed one guest trying to place two pots of jam and several croissants in her handbag. Told her she could keep the croissants but the jam goes back on the shelf- reminded her I am a B&B not a supermarket. Informed by the jam thief rather loudly that there was a problem with the toilet in her bedroom and therefore determined to sort it out immediately. Ask Ben to look at toilet, got told to ask him later as he is busy.
Two cats now screaming to be let outside, one hound barking as well. Cats immediately run outside followed by the hound. Five minutes later the cats are screaming to get back inside as there is a little wind and the hound looks mournfully at the bare breakfast table knowing that there is no ham or bread left for him. Our new chamberperson is due to start today. Two minutes later she rings up and says she is not coming as she feels she is worth more than sweeping and mopping floors. Wish her all the best. She then asks for an advance on her wages if she decides to change her mind. I hang up and mutter some words under my breathe.
Try to resolve toilet problem and ask Ben again. Told again to remind him later, far too busy to deal with anything – when ask what he is busy with I get a look and told not to interfere. Quick inspection of bedrooms and notice that we need six new bulbs and a new bedside lampshade. The search begins for the bulbs. An hour later I am still searching and they are finally found in the first place I looked in a box labelled spare bulbs. The last few departing guests want conversation – reasonably. New guests arriving later have now emailed and asked for dinner so I have check what I can prepare and cook and print out a menu. A sudden two second enthusiasm to make rhubarb Eton Mess is changed to make a simple chocolate mousse.
Start checking and responding to emails.
Drink half-cold black coffee. Ben comes in and says there was nothing wrong with the toilet flush and wonders what all the fuss is about. Asks where the guests are and told him they have already departed. Upstairs sulking as no chambermaid so have to redo five bedrooms myself. Competed task in two hours. One new guest arrives early and stares at me, without introducing himself. Ask if they would like some coffee but get no reply. Show them their bedroom and I hear a faint “thanks” as I close the door.
More emails.
Final check of the other four bedrooms to make sure everything is okay. Decide to check all the televisions and scan the channels. Bedroom five instantly showed soft-core pornography from a Spanish TV channel. Rather amusing. Glance at the floors and realize the stairs all need a good sweep and mop. New guest pops his head into the kitchen and ask for a recommendation for dinner. Sit down with him and he offers his apologies for not speaking to me before but that he was tired. I said I never noticed. Gave him a heap of recommendations over two cups of coffee. At the end of the conversation he then tells me he is vegan and I wish him luck. Asks me where I got our bed linen from (Hugo Boss Selfridges) and gave him these details. Bizarrely a week after he left I get an email from him thanking me for this detail.
Ben walks in – are we going to the beach – probably not as new guests arriving and they said between 2 and 6. Ben walks out. Decide to go to gym then can’t as Ben suddenly has appointment up in town and I need to be here to see guests in. Suddenly recall dinner for guests so start preparing.
The spare bedroom now resembles a laundry room with countless sheets, pillowcases, towels etc. Decide to have a clear out of all old linen and after an hour going through everything discard shamefully just one flannel. Decide to have some lunch. Settle for bran flakes and natural yoghurt. After three mouthfuls I decide to have piece of cheese wrapped round a piece of ham and three chocolates. Discover our bedroom welcome packs details French national holidays for 2012. Seek out new information, print and place in pack. Display my two new books in the bedrooms. Check all the breakfast items in dining room and count over fifty different teas, coffees and infusions. Check dinner menu for tonight and then discover one guest is allergic to garlic, eggs and fish, which means I need to write a completely different menu for her. Telephone call from some American asking for a four night booking next month. Explain that she can book online. Then asked how far we are from Paris – tell her and she places down the telephone. Minutes later her booking is confirmed.
While the beef is slowly cooking for tonight I decide with full gust to clear out my kitchen utensil, strange pots and pan drawer. After an hour I discard one plastic bowl. Answer more emails. I send about 30 on an average day and receive about 80, a lot of which are junk – but not all. Discover two maps someone has drawn of Beziers would be very useful for guests. Try to print them, can’t. Email and ask for different format. First lot of guests arrive, very jolly and lots of laughter. Drinks then the usual check in before showing them to their bedroom. Explain the working mechanisms of the shower.
More guests, same as above.
More guests, as above.
Start preparing entrees for guest’s dinner and preparing the huge dining room table. Spot an article in a magazine on how to make a swan and other animals out of napkins. After ten minutes decide a folded napkin works best. An hour spare so sit at a table and start editing a story for my editor and email her back. Go through various promotional things I have been offered and dramatically refuse them all. Email from some people asking what our Christmas menu will be, tariff and drinks prices. Emailed them back that we are closed and wished them a happy holiday. Cats back in, hound back in, all fed and watered and now all snoozing.
Final guests arrive (the ones who are eating tonight) – lots of complementary food smell comments and book reviews. “I saw you in Paris” one muttered. I replied “you haven’t changed a bit” whilst thinking I have never seen you before. Ben comes in – anything to eat – then walks off. Finalize and serve dinner for four people. Try out my new way of displaying my cheeseboard which goes down well. Hound peers through kitchen door looking mournful as there is no beef left. Do a bit of personal correspondence. Eventually sit down at 23h00 and eat lovely asparagus, with the remains of a beef tagine.
Want my job?
